All yer medals, all yer pots and all yer pans

World exclusive, apart from it being on youtube that is, in the blogosphere then perhaps.

Your humble blog gives you this trailer for 'The Damned United'.

It's a Shay

Kristal yields to no man (or woman, beast, animal, mineral or vegetable) in it's admiration to the (regrettably) soon to be departed Newcastle United goalkeeper Shay Given. The finest 'keeper in the English Premiership who must surely have a chiropractor on speed dial from carrying the Magpies all these years.

It would be a profoundly churlish person that begrudged Given from exiting from the odious bedlam and intergalactic waste of time that currently resides over St James Park and this writer only wishes that he was starting his sterling work afresh at a more prestigious employer such as Arsenal, Celtic or Liverpool. Manchester City instead will be processing the Irishman's wages.

The main quirk of this transfer is why Citeh, for all their grandiose proclamations of immeasurable wealth, have all of a sudden, transmogrified into Dickensians guttersnipes and refusing to offer the Toon a respectful and accurate valuation of Mr Given's worth. 

Initially the fee put forward was £7m with NUFC responding, correctly, with a demand for £10m. This still seems short of the mark in this blog's esteem towards the 'keeper.

Yet Manchester City spending around £15m with abundant glee for the use of Craig 'would start a fight in an empty house and proceed to ask said house to step outside to continue said fight' Bellamy and also equally ecstatic to squander a further £19m on Nigel 'not even a household name in his own house' De Jong.

That Mark Hughes and Garry Cook are content and contemptuous to act tighter than a snare drum, to be so transparent in a fiscal fiasco of their own making in this transfer is baffling. 

Best to leave this post with wise words from Zlatan Ibramhimovic, the Inter Milan striker, who in a spot of Kaka-baiting, when asked whether he would be tempted by a move to the Middle Eastlands replied "I don't know, you would need to ask God first."

Manchester City might not be signing him, or Kaka or Jesus, but even if they did, they would probably haggle with the Son of God's agent for the minimum pieces of silver they could get away with.

Sweet FA for FA Cup in Scotland

The fact that stv (their lower case, not mine) are not screening either live matches or even highlights of the FA Cup led this blog to write to the station to explain themselves. This was their reply:

"stv has chosen not to purchase the rights to English FA Cup football.
Although we are part of the UK-wide ITV Network, we are an independent
commercial company funded entirely by advertising and sponsorship. The
decision not to acquire the FA Cup rights is a commercial one. We will
instead invest in programming which is more relevant to Scotland, which
we will roll out in our 2009 schedule.

We hope this response explains the situation and we thank you for taking
the time to get in touch."

So the money will no doubt be re-invested into programming consisting entirely of repeats, compliations and parochial nonsense instead because how could anyone in Caledonia be interested in the world's oldest football club competition?

Let's raise a glass of haggis-infused uisge beatha with a neeps chaser as we feverishly anticipate imminent wall to wall screenings of Weir's Way, The Steamie, and Taggart. Do Glen Michael and Paladin run t'ings out Pacific Quay way? The Famous Grouse guzzling, shortbread riddled and Lysergic acid diethylamide influenced decision making of our national broadcaster would certainly point to it not being an impossibility.

The somewhat intimidating Rafa

Humblest of apologies to you all in this year of two hundred and nein. A combination of writer's block, utter confusion, ill health and alcoholism have provoked the radio silence. But we are back, back, back in black. Shall we dance?

This blog, while always finding Sir Fergie very entertaining, is sticking up for Rafa Benitez. Initially when this blog witnessed the above broadcast on Sky Sports News, the volume was turned down in the pub we were in, The Vale. The vidiprinter below summarised Senor Benitez's press conference and kristalseventeen concluded that it must be a Keegan circa 1996 meltdown.

Having watched it sober, it is quite straightforward. The Liverpool manager brings up some valid points in what he is saying. Hell mend Mrs Rafa if there is a dispute in the Benitez household.

"On January 11th, the 12th and today, I did the dishes. Ah, theese is FACT. I am the only one who goes unpunished for not taking out thee binz."

This is a brief posting, but it was only meant to be a dip back in the waters. Plus a shave is needed. A bit like Rafa to be honest.

Fare ye well and never walk alone.

The new Duffy single rules

Simple as that. The best thing she has done so far. Excuse the awful Sara Cox at the beginning and end of this.

 Duffy - Rain On Your Parade

Vidal video

This blog must have fallen asleep during The Obamathon when this occured.

The Obamarathon

When staring history in the face, you shouldn’t look away. This blog decided to take the day off from its day job (the one that it arguably shouldn’t give up any time soon) to watch the US Election Results. Here is the account of the proceedings in the wee small hours. Alcohol was involved, so there may be grammatical errors in abudance.

1115: We’re off! Already daunted by the prospect of a 6 hours and 45 minutes marathon or Obamarathon, if you will. Got eight tinnies in and two monster bags of crisps at the ready. Have opted to watch the BBC coverage with David Dimbleby. Well, I’m watching it with the Mrs, Dimbleby is just hosting the show.

1200: First result. McCain as expected has taken Kentucky, Obama on 3 votes with Vermont. Jeremy Vine is doing the graphics onslaught. Where is Peter Snow?

1210: Christ, I’ll be lucky if I make it to 1.30 at this rate, I’m shattered. I’ve been up since 6.50am yesterday.

1220: On my second tin already, in a panic thinking 8 tins are no way going to be enough. Ricky Gervais in New York on the BBC. What on Earth? We don’t need celebrities, we need moustached pundits we’ve never heard of, like Larry Sabato, who is in Washington DC.

1222: Christopher Hitchens is on, looking sinister. Has said “zeitgeist” 6 seconds into his answer from a question from David Dimbleby.

1225: Crowds running into Grant Park, Chicago like the prologue to an outdoor rock gig, it even has portaloos set up, people are running to the front of the stage, in anticipation of Obama’s arrival in a few hours.

1235: Dimbleby looking grumpy, as it doesn’t cut to Vine in the London studio for the second time tonight.

1245: One thing I’ll be glad about this election ending is not having to hear McCain say “My friends.” anymore, it’s so irritating.

1246: Hitchens has quite rightly described Sarah Palin as “ludicrous” and “contemptible”.

1247: Dimbleby growing increasingly agitated that we only have two results in, which is quite amusing.

1249: The McCain campaign party in Phoenix is playing a cover of The Beatles ‘Eight Days A Week’. What’s that all about? Did the DJ misplace his copy of ‘Barbara Ann’ by The Beach Boys?

1256: Jeremy Vine’s graphics blitzkrieg continues unabated. The man is on some ‘Minority Report’-type shizzle. Points off for not wearing a tie though.

1258: Oh dear, McCain’s taken South Carolina. No surprise, but it’s 16-3 to him so far.

0100: Via the genius of timeshift on our DVD recorder, we have paused proceedings to have a cigarette break. Dimbleby has described Pennsylvania as a “big potato” which is strange. Managed to make my second tin last 40 minutes, so 6 tins over 5 hours should be fine on that front.

0102: GET IN! Obama has taken Pennsylvania and New Hampshire. Mrs K and me do a fist bump like Barack and Michelle. We are obviously terrorists now. 16-28! And, of course, Illnois…it’s 16-52, phew. Looking good.

0105: Delaware and District of Columbia goes to Obama too.

0109: Maryland projected to Obama, as is also Connecticut. McCain has got somewhere, but I’m now losing track. We’re at 34-84.

0110: Bloody Nora, Maine’s gone to Mr O., as has New Jersey, home of Bruce Springsteen. It looks like The Boss’ people have picked the Democrat. 34-103 is the tally.

0117: Getting a breather, toilet break, Vine doing a good job wit the visual bombardment. Cracking open the third lager.

0126: Things have definitely returned to a snails pace after the frenetic results at the top of the hour. Have time-shifted things back to ‘Live’ to avoid the current sludge and so times don’t get confusing.

0135: John Simpson is in Chicago, looking pleased not to be in DR Congo and getting to wear a suit as opposed to a bulletproof vest.

0139: Dimbleby is filling for time now, as a discussion on Palin’s choice of clothing takes place. He has a slight cough, bless him.

0144: The Rev. Jesse Jackson, a man so cool has makes Billy Dee Williams look like Andi Peters, is in Chicago, talking of “joy” if Obama makes it, and is described, correctly, by Ted Koppel as a “pioneer”.

0153: Vine is back on to kill some more time, as new polls are closing in six minutes, and is opening up a big can of FACT on our asses. He’s really studied for this, whizzing about images of areas of states such as Fairfax in Virginia, like nobody’s business, as if it was Uttoxeter in Staffordshire.

0158: DD has forgotten where he is and is respectfully reminded that he’s in DC, maybe he’s got 8 tinnies in the fridge as well. The Mrs has crashed out. It’s just me now.

0200: Michigan, Obama. Minnesota, Obama. Wisconsin, Obama. New York, you guessed it. North Dakota is McCain’s. The Maverick is getting beasted. Wyoming, McCain, Rhode Island, Obama. Kansas, McCain. 61-175. Jug Ears is in pole position as if he was Lewis Hamilton.

0205: However, Georgia has gone to the Blues, had the Democrats been projected to win that state it would have been some result.

0207: Under 100 votes of a difference for Obama now, this could still be tight actually. Which does sound absurd but better to err on the side of caution, even when your third tin of Danish bevvy.

0211: The Beeb outpost in the Big Apple is a celebrity orientated party event it would seem. Jay McInerney is on now describing NYC as “the home of the liberal elite”. Two bloggers are also interviewed. Why the blazes anyone would give a monkey’s what these pomposity merchants have to say is beyond me. Oh.

0212: Oh god, back in DC, it’s worse. Simon Schama is on and Sir David has plugged his BBC series about America. That’s poor. The fourth tinny beckons. There is another be-‘tached pundit on though looking very grumpy about something.

0224: Obama has Ohio, so it’s probably all over for McCain, making it 76-195 and the picture less twitchy. The broadcast is getting a touch tipsy, with sound cutting out, strange pauses and other technical glitches. Another toilet break methinks.

0231: West Virginia is taken by Louisiana, again, as expected. Wait a minute, that doesn’t make sense. West Virginia goes to Straight Talking Man. Louisiana still to be announced. 90-195. The other ‘tached pundit is being overly argumentative. But he is a Republican.

0238: In a quiet period at BBC, have flipped over to ITV and it is a terrible error. Alastair Stewart is on and he is making Peter Finch in ‘Network’ look like Moira Stewart, blathering Alan Partridge-esque non sequiturs.

0239: Stewart is giving me the fear, so back to Auntie. The skinny kid’s got New Mexico while Senator McCain scoops up Texas. 124-200. This is like the Eurovision Song Contest. Hello, this is Ohio calling, etc. Only 70 votes to go!

0253: Martin Luther King’s daughter, Rev. Bernice is being interviewed on ITV (they have a score 90-200, which is odd) and speaks profoundly and realistically about past, present and future America.

0258: It’s now 130-200, must have missed something. Iowa, Montana, Utah and Nevada imminent.

0300: Iowa, Obama. McCain, Utah. Bloody Mormons.

0305: Proper star in the city that never sleeps now, its Eddie Izzard! The man is a legend. He’s refreshingly serious saying, “The third millennium begins today”. And now Erica Jong is on, she doesn’t like aeroplane journeys, etc.

0313: Republicans on the BBC really have a chip on their shoulder, using any perceived slight on themselves as a lack on research, intellect or professionalism on the channel’s part. One guest goes as far as demanding the dismissal of a BBC correspondent. Some Americans really taking umbrage at us Brits moving in on their patch, getting all huffy that they weren’t asked to appear on Fox, NBC, CBS, CNN, et al.

0317: Simon Schama really looks like Sir Ian McKellen.

0329: It’s flagging on BBC, so back to ITV, which is getting some decent guests, Mike Williams, Obama’s foreign policy advisor for one. Alastair Stewart, is on the verge of an utter shut down of self and looks about 90 years old. He’s doing the graphics bit as well; ITV must be skint if they can’t spare some cash for someone else to do all that hullabaloo.

0331: 3 votes in Nebraska go to McCain, 2 more in that state still to be decided in a unique, albeit too complicated for me to understand, let alone explain.

0335: Possibly starting to go mad, as very little is happening.

0337: On Sky News now. Christ on a bike, it’s Irvine Welsh in Miami and he sounds absolutely smashed, you can take the boy out of Leith, but…and so on.

0342: Sky News is quite dreadfully unwatchable. Run back to the safe haven of BBC. South Dakota is McCain and Virginia is Obama. 141-207.

0346: California, Hawaii, Idaho, Oregon and Washington coming up in 11 minutes.

0352: A beautiful black couple from Chicago say they are “ecstatic” at the prospect of an Obama presidency and that “it will change the world”. It’s a similar feeling and a similar opinion here in Glasgow.

0400: YES! California and Washington make it 273! He did it! We have four tinnies left. Let’s have a party.

0404: I’m in tears already. Why does this matter so much you might ask? It’s because we all come from somewhere else. We come to a new land and our humanity makes it possible for anything to be achieved. It’s because this story is bigger than all of us. It’s bigger than Barack Obama and vaster than America. It dwarves the world and minimises obstacles, radiates energy and hope, rendering cliché irrelevant and cynicism obsolete. Maybe the sleep deprivation is kicking in, but when we wake up, it will all begin and end all for the better. This matters because arguably we all came from Africa. We are all Barack Obama. That is why this event matters.

0411: Anyway, back to the present. It’s 145-297 nearly 50% of a difference. “It’s early morning in Kenya” says DD and it looks magnificent.

0417: Jesse Jackson is in tears. 145-306. People being churlish saying that it is bittersweet for him “as he will be thinking that it should have been him”. That’s disrespectful. McCain is about to concede.

0418: McCain concedes. People in this Arizona crowd booing as he says he phoned Obama. These people are degenerates. McCain does well to calm them and his speech is actually impeccable and dignified. The shameful crowd, contrastingly, are feeble-minded cretins. 145-333.

0427: First time I’ve seen Todd Palin and he looks like a right shifty bastard. Cindy McCain looks like a nasty automaton bastard. Hopefully, this is the last we have seen of Sarah Palin.

0437: Dubya just telephoned Obama, bet that was an interesting phone call, wonder what the draft dodging, drunk driving dunce divulged?

0449: The Beeb coverage is fairly joyless, considering what has just happened, but that’s impartiality for you. ITV is enjoying the moment with some great coverage of the celebrations at Grand Park and another good guest in the form of David Lammy, Labour MP and friend of ahem… President Obama.

0454: On the 6^th can now, in the fast lane, no worries.

0458: Barack Obama on stage in Chicago. Crowd excited but anticipatory. “HELLO CHICAGO!” Rock Star President. This is breathtaking. Tears welling up again. The crowd politely applaud when McCain is mentioned, take note Arizona. Slight hesitation from Obama every so often. Emotion or something else from him? Who knows? Beautifully touching mention of Michelle as his “best friend” and “love of his life” and poignantly about family members who are no longer with him. Marvellous, inspiring details of people helping his campaign with “5 dollars here and 10 dollars there” and “the young people who rejected the myth of their generation’s apathy”. It’s a quote fest.

0517: Whoa, Jesse Jackson and Oprah Winfrey in the crowd amongst the public.

0519: It’s a spellbinding effort, languid yet powerful, effortless really. Emotional but not sentimental. Cried three times, but that might be the tinnies as well.

0526: Ku Klux Klan? Lee Harvey Oswald? Sirhan Sirhan? Can you hear me? Joseph McCarthy? Westboro Baptist Church? Lynyrd Skynyrd? Can you hear me? Your boys took one hell of a beating!!! Your boys took one hell of a beating!!!

0533: Haven’t a bloody clue what’s going on. 7^th can and lots of analysis. 156-338. Full time.

0537: Very negative post match reaction. BBC, now ITV and Sky giving it the whole “oh, he better get his skates on” type guff. Can we not enjoy it for one day at least? And very little about the Republican’s failure.

0558: Had fallen asleep. That eight can is going to have to wait, it’s bedtime. Not a bad night’s work for the man with the funny name. Good times. God bless us all.